Natalie

...and I keep picking those nasty-ass orange creme ones.  :-P

So I guess I was driving a little too cautiously on the freeway yesterday.  On my way home from work, I'm going my normal route and I enter the freeway.  There are 2 cars in front of me that are cutting each other off and going back and forth for about a 1/2 mile!  Of course that makes me slightly anxious as I normally am when I'm driving so I'm trying to let them get a good amount ahead of me.  At some point I can't see them anymore and I try to drive normally.  However, I get to the place where the traffic normally is backed up during rush hour and, yes, the traffic is backed up like I expected.  The cars in front of me are driving a little slower than needed and I'm just following suit b/c I'm paranoid (surprise!).  Right before I'm getting off my exit I notice this person is riding my ass and she's making gestures.  I just kind of ignored it and got on the exit as she seems to pass me.  Next thing I know this dumb motherfucker cuts in front of me on the damn exit ramp and starts slamming on her brakes.  STUPID FUCKING BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Her little stupid ass passengers keep looking back at me and their all laughing.  Of course there's no mistake as to what I'm saying about her/them when they look at me.  We finally get off the ramp and are traveling down the street when we get to a red light.  At that  point the stupid ass driver gets OUT OF HER FUCKING VAN!  WTF??????? 
She turns around and says, "You trying to fuck with somebody?"
*Now, at this point, I'm supposed to take the high road and ignore her, or say something nice, or even tell her to get back in her van b/c I don't have time for dumb shit like this you old ugly ass raggedy bitch. (Okay, maybe the last part wasn't that great)
Instead, I engage in the bullshit and I start yelling back stuff like "what the fuck is your problem? you don't stop on the damn freeway you fucking dumbass"  to which she says something like "That's b/c you don't know how to drive" (& I think she may have called me a name).
Then I called her a dumb bitch and she said something back to me & got back in her car.  Then for some reason, I called her a stupid hoe to which she gets back out of the car and says "I'm a hoe?  Well at least I get paid for it," laughs and gets back in the car.  I guess she thought I was following her when I turned the same way, which is my normal route home, so she quickly turns off somewhere and her and her companions all laugh and gesture/wave at me as I waved back and laughed at them.
I'm so disappointed in myself.  First and foremost  b/c I couldn't leave my kids in the car & get out and beat the shit out of her.  I know this is bad, but I really wish I had a bat in my car and wouldn't have been disappointed to see gray matter.   bad bad bad.
My other disappointment(s) come from the fact that my 2 year-old had to see/listen to me cuss out a stranger (great job, Mommy!); I could have handled the situation way better as stated above, but really, when do I think on my feet like that?  My first reaction to stuff like that is rage, all I want to do is hurt somebody/destroy something.  I guess I did good by not getting out of the car so there's one positive.  I really was kind of  hoping the bitch would have come over the car and tried something and I could have hit her with the car claiming it was self defense/me trying to get away b/c I was afraid she would have hurt me & my babies.  *evil grin*  Now that would have been the ideal situation.  However, since it didn't turn out the way I wanted, I just have to remind myself to take a few seconds to think the next time I am confronted with something like that.  Now I just have to hope nobody I know, or will meet in a church/work situation was around to witness my great display of calm and restraint.  *shaking my head*

Proud of myself right now. :-)  Even though I didn't go to bible study (although I needed to after cussing out some asshole earlier), I dropped the kids off at my moms and got some good old fashioned cleaning done.  Note - this was not done to please my husband as I have said before b/c fuck his ultimatums; this was done as part of the promise I made myself months ago that I would make an effort to do something everyday.  I slightly rearranged the living room & dining room (which are really both part of one big space w/no separation, but still...) and even ran the sweeper in cracks & crevices.  :-)  Although I didn't get to the upstairs bathroom like I planned b/c I really need to stop and eat now and I'll have to get the kids right after, I am still very happy with myself.  Instead of giving into my general feelings of tiredness and the yearning to just relax in the quiet for a little bit, I got to work first and accomplished a goal.  YAY ME!
More later on the aforementioned asshole.

God, I am so tired of ups and downs and depression.  Please tell me, what is the difference between worrying and planning?  I just want to make sure we will have a place to live next month.  I try to have faith, but maybe I really don't have it.  I guess truly having faith means that you expect God to work things out for you and don't even think about the fact that they may not work out.  I have tried that before, but I admit there was probably something in the back of my mind that made me wonder if things would really be okay.  Then, sometimes they were and sometimes they weren't.  Now I don't just have this blind faith.  I hope and pray everything will work together for good, but I still worry (I guess that's what I'm doing) about what to do to make sure everything will be okay.  I just don't know. 

Even though I'm a horrible mother and they drive me so fucking crazy that I want to climb to the top of the roof and jump off, I'm still not going to hurt them.  There are babies that go to the hospital everyday who are so bruised and battered, it's hard to fathom how much pain you would be in as an adult if you were looking like that.  People are sick sick sick.  Even though I get angry and yell sometimes, I still know that when it gets too much, I need to just walk away.  Don't touch them, just make sure there are no immediate dangers and go to another room and close the door.  If you can still hear them crying and you still can't take it, just start crying or screaming yourself for a few seconds.  I guarantee it will feel so much better than hurting them.  Having said that, I feel like leaving the room and pulling every fucking strand of my hair out right now.  Why the fuck can't I get some time to relax before having people scream at me for hours?????????????????????????
I'm fucking tired.  I'm tired of my husband's stupid ass schedule that has him working when I'm home, but he's not making enough fucking money.  thisis bullshit.  I hate it hate it hate it.  Why the fuck did I ever think I would be a good mother or wife?  I drive myself crazy all by myself, why didn't I realize that these other people who are attached to me forever will drive me crazy as well?????  Because I'm a big fucking idiot.  I don't think.  I get all emotional and think everything will be perfect, but I don't know how to plan for shit.  I don't know how to make any of this shit work right!  It's too much for me.
I can't even call my mom to come relieve me b/c she's sick.  fuck me.

I love my job.  The people I work with are so great - especially considering the horrible and sickening things other people do that we are exposed to.  I hope everyone stays the way they are, for the most part.  I hope that I don't screw this job up.  I know one day, when I finish school, I will be leaving, but I could possibly still work here in another capacity so that will be great. 
Speaking of my job, if I love it so much, why the hell is so hard for me to be on time???????  It really pisses me off.  I'm so tired of not being able to get anywhere on time.  In my life, I am probably on time 10% of the time -- and that's being generous.  I HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT!  It's not because I'm disrespectful, it's not because I'm inconsiderate of other peoples' time.  It's the opposite.  I beat myself up all the time for being 5 minutes (or less) late.  The bad part is, sometimes I stress so badly about being late (TMI to follow) that my stomach gets all knotted up and I spend at least 5-10 extra minutes in the bathroom.  The frustration is overwhelming.  I want to cry about it right now.  I feel like such a fucking nutcase.  I hate all of this crazy stuff I do and feel.  Lord, is there really help for me?  I've got to get better.  How will I ever succeed in life?  Every job I've had (except my 1st one where I didn't have a set start time, just "after school"), I spend so much time being paranoid that I'm going to get fired for my lateness.  There have been a few jobs I just quit b/c, in my mind, I just KNEW they were going to fire me any minute.  My work is usually great and I'm wonderful at meeting/exceeding quotas and performance standards, but the tardiness has been my downfall.  I'm too old for this shit now.  :-(  I've got to get it together.  Don't think I haven't tried many different methods to fix this.  I honestly believe my internal clock is defective.  I've never estimated time correctly.  Many times I'll think I've just been sitting for 10-15 minutes, but when I look at the clock it's been close to an hour.  Anyway,  everyone has their issues, this is one of many for me.  Don't judge me until you've spent an hour in my head.  :-P

Random fact:  I've always had a little crush on Steve from "Blue's Clues."  ;-)

A mini-fantasy of mine:

One day, I would like someone to say to me, "Natalie, I admire you, you have everything together.  How do you do it?" 
I would like to be able to reply, "Oh, thank you so much.  It wasn't easy, but somehow I managed to have my entire life organized and I am so happy and fulfilled.  I would be happy to help you with whatever you need, especially since I have lots of free time to help others because I am so organized." 

***1 hour later:  OMG why did my boss just say I seemed like I was pretty together!  I can't believe it!  I let her know that I would be taking long lunches on Mondays b/c I was talking to someone about my issues.  She said I don't seem to have too many issues and that I seemed like I was pretty together.  I feel so much better.  I love my supervisor, she's really a lot like my own mother.  I feel very blessed.  I've had some really bad supervisors in the past.  That just brightened up my day.  Now I wonder if I have just a touch of paranoia.  :-)

One day when I was motivated to become rich, I went to bed and dreamt about a house.  It was made of light colored brick/stone, had a big window and there were a lot of trees in the background.  When I woke up, I went to one of my favorite real estate sites and looked up 5 bedroom houses.  I kept searching and finally saw this: 

It was the same house from my dream.  What's even better, it's only $1,495,000!  Awesome!

Anyway, I know there was a reason that I had that dream and then found it online.  I know it's meant for me, but I have to do something to get to the point where I can one day afford it and take care of it.

On another note, now these older kids are getting on my damn nerves!  I can't wait until I have insurance so I can get some good fucking drugs that will help me quit feeling like some deranged fucking idiot all the damn time!

I know I shouldn't be so negative, but I just want to pull my hair out!  I guess I'm crazy.  If I were reading this in someone else's journal, I would say they have major problems and they're probably some kind of nutcase that needs serious psychiatric help.  I guess that's me!  HAHAHA

I really need to get these kids in bed, but I have so much on my mind. 

Okay, I started reading other stuff and I'm drawing a blank so I'll have to do my job as a mother and post later.  :-)

Some people are not very good at being stay-at-home moms; I'm one of them.  I'm back to working full-time and my 2 babies are in daycare.  They love it and are probably getting more out of it than I could ever have given them.  If I can't give myself a structured day, how can I expect to do it for my kids?  Maybe that's too bleak of a perspective, but it's mine. 
I think I'm really at the point now where I say fuck what everyone else thinks.  Will I stay that way, or is it just temporary until I am out of my "down" mode?  I don't know, but it is what it is for now.  Why do I keep a journal?  My original intent was so that I could reflect and other people could see my outlook on life, but I always hold back.  When I die, I want someone to know my deepest thoughts, but I'm too afraid to expose them while I'm still alive.  I guess I'm afraid of backlash.  This is exactly why I have problems being assertive.  I've seen a counselor who thinks I may be an introvert, but I'll have to take an assessment to be sure.  I don't necessarily want to be an introvert, I want to be able to say, "Fuck you, you two-faced sonofabitch," or something to that affect, without worrying if I hurt someones feelings.  I don't want to care if I hurt your feelings!  Who cares if they hurt my feelings?  Nobody!  They just want to tell me how they feel b/c that's what's good for them.  Why is it so hard to do what's good for me?

Back to work...